Monday, September 28, 2009

Monday September 28th, 2009

Pauline Falco

Since my mom passed away on my first wedding anniversary, this had always been a rough day for me. Each year it would overshadow the happiness I had for reaching another year on what I then thought was an endless and happy journey being married. Each year until the divorce I tried to carry the burden as silently as I could, though I know the X at the time was aware of it.

At least now I can give over to the dark side and really, really, loath this day! If I could pull myself and my house into a hole and cover it over for the day I would. This year having it fall on a Monday is even worse.... I hate Mondays. And it's a rainy, dank, dark, and chilly Monday to boot. In reflection it is perfect for my mood...though tomorrow will certainly be a much better and brighter day no matter the weather!

I really miss my Mom today! While I miss my folks every day, today for missing my mom it's the worst. Compounding this is I remember the last time I saw my mom she was in the hospital for what would be the last time. She had just finished bad-mouthing my dad, who gave up so much for her when she became sick and stayed by her side for the 10 years her major illness lasted, and I told her off big time. We ended up yelling at each other before I stormed out of her room.

I carry this memory with me to this day, and usually manage to keep it in the back of the closet in the dark most of the year, but today like every 9/28 I remember it all too well. While I'm not sorry I spoke the truth, I am very sad that the last time I saw my mom alive we had to part under such circumstances, never to see each other again.

I think of the good memories too.......

I remember coming down to a home cooked breakfast most mornings, happy time on vacations, my mom walking me (and when he was younger my bother) down to the Bloomfield Center to shop. Sometimes she'd buy us ice cream soda's or Sundays at the counter at K-Mart. I remember one year we were on vacation down at the Jersey Shore. She decided to make Hamburger Helper for dinner. It was the first time she ever made it....and it was almost the last. She used ground chuck as back in those days there was no outcry about fat in ground beef, or 90% lean..... Well, she did not drain the fat out of the frying pain after browning the beef as the directions say to, and while the dinner was delicious, shortly after that the one bathroom in our motel room was highly sought after! We teased her about that quite a bit, it was funny because my mom was such a good cook when it come to home made food, particularly Italian. I can't remember how many times after that whenever she made Hamburger Helper we would all just stare at our plates silently, trying not to crack up, until she mentioned that she drained the ground beef.

I remember how at this time of year she used to love to drive in the more rural areas of New Jersey or update New York to look at the fall foliage change. I remember how much my brother and I hated such weekend trips until we were old enough to stay home. Of course, I'd gladly hop in the car and go now if I could. My brother and I used to call these, and other excursions Joy Rides, but she and my Dad really enjoyed them and I did to depending on where we were and what there was to see.

I remember how she convinced my dad, who was very strict regarding eating your dinner, to let me and my brother skip such really gross things like Liver and Onions. As they had been brought up in households where you literally went to bed hungry some nights because there was not enough food around, my dad felt you should eat whatever was on your plate. She really mellowed him out of some of the stricter after affects he had of living with my very strict grandfather.

I remember when she finally got her drivers license how proud she was.

I remember how she loved Sylvester and Tweety bird on Saturday morning TV! We would watch that together and she would chime in with Tweety echoing his "I tawt I taw a Puddy Tat!" exclamation whenever he spied Sylvester.

I remember her calling out to me anxiously to be careful, when as a young boy I climbed the tree on the other side of the school yard fence next to the house and was higher than the second floor window she was watching me from.

I remember as an even younger boy her bandaging my knees after I fell down roller skating. I remember the Bactine, which was not supposed to sting, did.

I remember how she was too sick to attend my wedding, so we had a friend video tape it and we recorded a personal message to my mom. She cried when she watched the tape.

I remember how much she wanted grandchildren, yet passed away before they were born. I often tell my kids that she would have spoiled them rotten.

I remember....I remember so many things today!

Well, mom, I've got your Virgin Mary statue looking down on me in my Living Room, and after work is done I'll light a candle by her. I apologize for yelling at you; we both should have discussed the issue like adults, but we did not. I miss you, and love you, and am so very sorry our last words with each other had to be in anger. You were a good mom, burdened by health issues for many years, and I know without a doubt how much you loved my brother and I, and our father too, and I want you to know that I miss you so very much!


David Louis Harter said...


That is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it.

- David

Bev from PA said...

Tears for you. Sorry for your loss.

Barry said...

Read with a bit of guilt and agreement. My parents are still alive -- flew out to visit them middle of last month. Both are doing well with some minor health issues.

My mother and I have a slightly strained relationship -- two strong-willed people, though mine has been tempered somewhat via Dad's temperment.

My mother's 'goof food' is instant mashed potatoes: burnt 'em not once but twice! (The burnt flavour spreads throughout -- shudder!!)

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